Desperate Times: Non-Horny Pandas Are Being Shown Panda Porn To Make Them Bone, Ensure Survival Of Species
ABC- Chinese scientists have developed a successful panda breeding program and it involves showing the animals exactly how to do it.
There are about 150 pandas at the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding, in southern China, and up close and personal there is no doubt about it — they are adorable, cute and cuddly. But they no longer hold the key to their own survival.
They are just not interested in sex. They have lost the desire and the know-how.
The centre has developed a kind of speed dating program for the pandas. The female is brought into a special mating cage and then one by one up to five male pandas will be paraded before her through a grate. The males have to be separated otherwise they will fight.
Once the female has chosen her partner he is brought into the cage with her, but often they just do not know what to do, so to teach them they are shown videos of pandas mating — panda porn.
“We set up the TV just outside the bars and they watch. Pandas understand what it is, so often they go closer and sit with their eyes wide open,” Zhang Hao said.
Ever watch porn with a girlfriend/potential sexual partner as a way of spicing things up? Strange experience. It’s like, hey, look at that. That’s what we should be doing. Too bad we won’t be as good. Ah well, let’s do our best.
With that out of the way, pandas need to get that mojo back. The females only ovulate 1-3 days a year, which means the males have to jerk off for the other 353 days. I can understand how, as a guy, you might just say fuck it–I’m turning it off. Ignore my urges long enough and they’ll eventually go away, just like those Catholic priests that have it under control.
Luckily, the zookeepers have created a panda tinder (Pander) for the females. She gets 5 swipes until some lucky bear has impressed her, God knows how. Then, they’re thrown into a cage to watch porn instructional videos. Imagine how awkward that conversation must be?
“Thanks for choosing me. I’m Doug.”
“Sure Doug, I’m Dana.”
“OK I’ll just pop this in. Bob the Zookeeper let me borrow his Pineapple Express DVD for the day.”
“I love Seth Rogen!”
“I love James Franco!”
“Wait, what? This isn’t Pineapple Express.”
“Huh. Weird… he definitely said Pineapple Express.”
“The box says ‘Panda Express 4: Bamboo Shooters'”
“Oh, uhm, gross. Right? So gross.”
“I mean…”
“Wait are you into this? I mean, I am if you are.”
“(shyly) Kinda…”
“ME FUCKING TOO. IT’S BEEN 353 DAYS!”
They bone.